Hope you’re ready for yet another recap, because you’re going to get one. This time, The Final Chapter shortens it down a little bit at only two minutes, and instead of recapping just the ending of the third film, it uses the best, most violent clips from the first three films spliced with Paul’s story about Jason from Part 2. Although it’s good for those who haven’t seen the previous three films in a while, for those who haven’t seen them at all, it effectively ruins all three of them.
3:17 – Corey Feldman
It’s got Corey Feldman in it, so you know this film is good.
8:51 – Doc with food
This doctor is quite cute in a disrespectful, “all I want is sex,” necrophiliac sort of way. Times like these, it makes sense for Jason to want to kill him. But he sure does make the morgue look appetizing.
12:10 – Dead body love
It’s such a turn-on having sex by a dead body. I’m not sure which I’m more afraid of – the strange gymnastics video on the TV or the hand falling off the slab.
But there’s nothing as funny about those two scenes as when Axel starts spitting and sputtering about the dead hand.
16:30 – Ted
Ted is the epitome of cool. Who’s a douche? This guy.
18:16 – “God I’m horny.”
Hence why you and your friends die. Dude, you haven’t had sex in, like, a week. When you’ve been a widow for 15 years, let me know.
19:00 – “Canada and Love”/”Fuck You”
This is Banana Girl! She serves no purpose in the film except to give the audience a laugh, saying, “Ha look at that dirty hippy. She’s so hypocritical with her love and then her cursing. And she eats a BANANA!” But wait, there’s more; at first it’s difficult to make out what is on the sign – and so I immediately assumed “peace and love.” Nope – it’s Canada.
The phallic symbols here are insane, especially when the banana gets squeezed to death. It hurts my crotch just seeing that banana go limp.
22:05 – “You do it with everybody!”
This is meant as a compliment. Thanks, bitch.
23:53 – A peek of boob
The glee on Corey Feldman’s face when he thinks he might see some boob is pure Oscar-worthy acting.
26:01 – Boob sighting #2!
Surprising how many times we get an elusive boob sighting in this film. Not sure how she doesn’t realize her entire tit is almost hanging out.
27:55 – Skinny dipping party!
These happen all the time. I’ve been to a few of these. They’re not what they’re “cracked” up to be! Geddit!
30:39 – Sara won’t strip
Since Sara won’t go skinnydipping, Sam “threatens” her by saying she’ll stay underwater until she gets in the lake. Go for it – you’re the one who’s drowning.
35:40 – Dance party
There has never been anything so blatantly funny in the Friday the 13th series as this dance scene. It’s not quite on par with the one from Prom Night, but it’s close.
43:30 – Deathly grip
Jason’s grip begins to… seriously hurt (?) Sam to death when she gets on a random life raft in the middle of the lake. We never see how she died, but we can guess it was… unpleasant?
47:20 – The worst is saved for Paul – the cheater – when he gets a harpoon to the balls!
49:10 – Jason speed travels
How did Jason get to Rob’s campsite so fast after killing Paul? Rob hears the scream, exits his tent, explores a little bit, and then comes back to find his gun broken – all in the course of a minute! Jason must have booked it from the killing right to Rob’s tent, rummaged through stuff like a bear, and then sprinted away again – but we never see Jason run fast.
50:10 – Vintage porn
Drunk Ted finds vintage porn extra-special funny, because he laughs about it for around 15 minutes.
52:20 – “Do you mind sleeping in the bottom bunk tonight?”
Innuendos abound in this painfully awkward conversation that skirts around openly asking for sex. For crying out loud, just say you’d like to see his penis! Let’s look at the dialogue:
-“I’m going upstairs.”
-“Do you mind sleeping in the bottom bunk tonight?”
-“Why, you wanna sleep in the top?”
1:00:00 – Jimmy’s score
Jimmy brings Tina’s underwear down to Ted. Apparently, he’s so happy about not being a “dead fuck” that he’d like to risk any relationship he might have had with Tina!
1:04:28 – Shower sex
Didn’t anyone ever tell them that water sex isn’t good for the vagina?
1:07:55 – Doug’s face
I love the sound of Doug’s face crumpling like a plastic milk jug.
1:14:30 – Trish discovers the bodies
What did Trish expect to find when she saw all of that blood on the floor?
1:15:20 – Final Girl
Like the other Final Girls, Trish just stands there as Rob is hacked to shreds.
1:24:00 – Tricking Jason
To think that Jason might be fooled into thinking that Tommy is really himself as a boy makes no sense at all, but at least we get that cool effect of Jason’s face sliding down the machete!
1:27:50 – Corey Feldman’s expressions Pt. 2
We’ll end with this last shot of Corey Feldman, who has driven this film forward with his fantastic facial features. Those eyes look right into your soul.