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If you’ve been around these parts before, you might know that I’m not a huge fan of Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. The idea of a psychokinetic teenager doing battle with Jason works as long as said teenager makes use of those powers, and in The New Blood, telepathy just isn’t utilized as much as it should be. Still, there’s always the many horny, annoying kids partying at the lake to make things interesting, and with the psychokinesis aspect added, a lot of funny moments for Jason to be in the head with stuff. Let’s check it out.

recap the new blood

In case you missed it, here’s a nice little recap. Though it’s not really necessary after five movies of Jason killing people, The New Blood gives us a recap of how we got to this point anyway. “Cory” Feldman (as the credits refer to him) shows up, and his older counterpart Thom Mathews is also featured catcalling Jason. Besides explaining how Jason came to be chained under the lake, though, you really need to know nothing else from the previous films.

little tina the new blood

Little Tina does not rack concentration. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see any more scenes of a young Tina concentrating her brain into mush. But this one quick shot at the beginning of the film is all you need to know that The New Blood is going to be quality, and more, intense.

swept hair the new blood

Susan Blu’s hair is not good. That wind-swept look she’s got going on makes her look super intense all the time, sort of like she’s flying in lightspeed and the air is pulling her features back. But she’s done some great voice acting work in Transformers toons, so give her a break for her ’80s hair.

short shorts the new blood

Jack is wearing some super-short shorts. I’m not talking about the ironic ones guys wear today, where they’re short but still just above the knee. These things are ready for a bikini car wash or something, but the dude has nice thighs, so he can pull it off. Still, I’m pretty sure, in this shot, that Tina can see his dong – hence the face she’s making.

curdoroys the new blood

Bad News Crews is basically wearing a couch. Don’t get me wrong, I love my cords. But the wales have got to be small and skinny, not super wide like an old sectional. It’s unfortunate I didn’t get Crews’ crotch in this shot, because you could probably fit 15 penises in there – it’s so baggy!

fade out the new blood

In case you weren’t paying attention ten minutes ago, here’s another recap of Tina killing her dad. The amount of recaps in The New Blood rival an anime show; at least the intro was useful, but this one literally just shows what already happened at the beginning of the film again. It’s meant to be Tina’s guilt manifesting again, but really it’s a waste of time that only reiterates, with nothing meaningful.

crystal lake the new blood

In the time between Jason Lives and The New Blood, they changed the name back. It used to be Crystal Lake, then it was Camp Forest Green, and now it is, again, Crystal Lake. The geography of Crystal Lake is always suspect, and the timeline for The New Blood is also pretty weird. But at least the town has decided to adopt its namesake instead of running from Jason’s legacy.

bae the new blood

My reaction when I see bae! Otherwise known as, When I see a cute boy or girl I act like an idiot!

vanessa pantsuit the new blood

The fuck is Melissa’s pantsuit? This girl is rich and styling, except her outfit looks like shit. It looks like Barney vomited all over her. Or maybe she’s in the wrong movie – more like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

throwing knife the new blood

I think Jason missed his calling. He should be a major league pitcher, because that knife is a rocket to the back. Accurate, too!

sleeping bag the new blood

Note: Banana sleeping bags never look good. This scene never ceases to elicit a chuckle from me, not only because she tries to crawl into her sleeping bag and hide, but also because Jason, with a machete, decides that it would be much more fun to slam her into a tree instead of the usual slice-and-dice.

russel's sweater the new blood

Russell has a yuppie sweater. Now Sandra is pretty hot in this, but Russell’s dorky draped sweater, tied at the sleeves, is the epitome of what Jason hates. No wonder he gets such a nasty ax to the face.

maddy the new blood

Maddy gets dressed up for her own funeral. Maddy wants to look hot, and so she gets all dolled up for the boys. And then Jason, not interested in plain Janes but bimbos, decides that her makeup toting face deserves to get it. It’s another one of those times where Friday the 13th is particularly brutal even to the virgins of the group.

tina's mom scream the new blood

I don’t know why, but Tina’s mom’s scream is hilarious. Maybe it’s the way she’s gripping the car, or maybe it’s her projection of it. Either way, it looks like that scream is coming from the gut, but in a way that is super forced by Susan Blu.

soap on a rope the new blood

“I got a date with a soap on a rope.” I think we’ve all been there, Eddie, except you actually almost scored with Melissa. What makes it so much worse is that she just couldn’t get turned on by him, because she was actually giving it a go. Poor Eddie – at least he ends up getting a personal penis enlarger though.

hold her down the new blood

Dr. Crews helps Jason kill, for no reason at all. Maybe he’s sick of Mrs. Shepard nagging him, or maybe it is a chickenshit way to avoid getting cut by Jason. But Dr. Crews holds Mrs. Shepard down to make it easier for Jason to catch her, and then he doesn’t even get repaid for his trouble because Jason pulls out a pole saw!

pole saw the new blood

Wait, where did Jason get a pole saw? Could have been in the barn I guess, or he could have found it in a shed at one of the cabins. But this is another of those miraculous moments where Jason pulls a weapon out of his ass, for the sole purpose of making the death different than the last. Hey, I’m not complaining.

moving tables the new blood

Tina’s efforts to stall Jason are actually… terribly ineffective. Above I said that The New Blood doesn’t really make use of Tina’s psychokinetic abilities. Toward the end, she begins to channel them a little better, but she’s not a very good final girl. It’s because of the way they allow her to use her powers; throwing a table and closing a door do not make a formidable opponent to Jason, as can be seen in this GIF.

plant hits jason the new blood

Neither is hitting Jason in the head with this plant a good use of skills. But it sure is damn funny to see a plant, with a head in the pot, smashing Jason in the face.

porch collapse the new blood

Jason has his own WTF expression. Tina does make a porch collapse, though, and that’s a pretty good way to combat Jason. He’s all,”What the hell is this shit?”, and she’s all, “OMMMMMM, concentration.”

mullet the new blood

Eventually, Tina wins, but she still loses because she has to see this guy’s mullet. Scariest part of the film by far.

 

Tomorrow, we’re jumping ahead for What the Friday to tackle Jason Goes to Hell, a movie that I actually have never seen. So that will be an experience, and I’ll get to watch it with a fresh mind so I can rip it apart with GIFs.

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