I know that title’s kind of confusing; we’re on part 6 of WTF: What the Friday, and yet we’re covering part 5 of Friday the 13th. That’s because the last Friday the 13th week I did got a little messed up, and I skipped all the way to Jason Takes Manhattan. This time, we’ll try to go in some semblance of order, although it’s not out of the question for me to jump around and cover some of the craziness of these films.
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning is a funny movie, although it’s not particularly unintentional either. Some of Friday the 13th’s best moments are ones that should have been pretty serious at the time, but age has not done the sequences any favors. A New Beginning isn’t really like that; there’s not too much here that makes it easy to make fun of. There’s crazy Ethel, but that’s definitely an inclusion meant to produce some wacky humor. And some of the despicable characters, like a paramedic who likes to torture onlookers with a gruesome murder scene, feel like ways to show that the people at the camp for “crazies” may not be as insane as people who aren’t labeled as such.
Still, there are a number of classic shots that are sure to give a chuckle, so let’s break this down in order of scene appearance.
Awesome glasses, Corey Feldman. You know you’re stylish in the ’80s when these are coming back into fashion. It also helps to bridge over to the older Tommy Jarvis, because he wears the same glasses – years later!
Look at this dude. I like his hat. I like his peering. I like his face and hair. He’s going to get murdered.
It’s nice that they buried Jason with his preferred weapon. Most of the time, serial killers aren’t given any sort of respect upon their death. But those townspeople who buried Jason ensured that, if he did ever come back from the dead, he would have his favorite machete to kill off anyone unwittingly digging him up.
Great acting, Corey Feldman! Not only does he have to battle extreme rain and bushes in his face, he’s also got to take on this slow motion scream. AND he lost his glasses. Poor Cory, he only gets this quick cameo before he’s gone for good.
A New Beginning will fucking blow you away. At least, that’s what this credits sequence proposes. Blammo, Jason’s mask bursts through the F13 logo and obliterates your face!
Sweet pleats. Back when I was in junior high, my mom would pick out my dress clothes. And she would always pick out pleated pants. I hated pleated pants soooo much, and they always looked so damn baggy. I can’t say they look much better on Ms. Melanie Kinnaman. And check out that ear of corn hanging on the house – classy fall decorations!
Keep door closed – as opposed to always open. This is a camp for troubled teens, but I think they know how a “house” works. But maybe not.
How long has Reggie been waiting in the closet? That’s one question I have for Reggie, but also: how are you so fly with the ladies? And how does he manage to get Pam as a girlfriend without her even knowing!
Still, Reggie must really be devoted to his pranks. Or maybe this is a subtle jab at coming out of the closet.
Spike armbands are for killers, dude. This guy is really angry, and that’s really all we know about him. He likes to chop logs, and then he likes to chop Joey. But he makes spike armbands look good, and also he makes them look like things psychos wear. So let’s take a moment to remember spiked attire, and then pretend like we never owned any.
Everyone can see you, Tommy. I know you’re doing your best to hide, Tommy, but you’re a little wider than that pole. Still, no one seems to notice him – maybe he is invisible.
This guy just took a crap in his pants, but it’s cool because he’s wearing leather. In general, when I’m in the woods, I try to refrain from crapping at all. There’s just no easy way to do it without it being messy, and then you’ve got to sit there with a borderline rash in your crack. But Leather Man here does it anyway, and it says it in such a cool way – “I’m gonna go take a crap.” Damn, that’s suave. And when you’re wearing a leather driving cap, there’s no other way to look than “awesome,” even when you’re feeling crappy.
Jason proves to be a good mechanic. If you need a tow, or you need your engine started, call Jason Voorhees, professional killer/mechanic. He gets Leather Man’s car started just fine, and then proceeds to get his full payment.
“You don’t set a place for a dead person!” Jake, coming up with the important answers. Though you’re supposed to kind of feel for Jake, he’s a huge dick to Violet here. But do you set a place for an undead person?
I’m pretty sure Ethel is one of my town’s residents. I’m embarrassed to say it, but we have a lot of Ethels where I live, and her house is not unrealistic. Crazy Ethel is an unnecessary but funny edition to A New Beginning, and the comic relief she provides is… close to the real thing I live near.
I also have a lot of neighbors like this.
This guy, on the other hand, is unnecessary and unfunny. Who is this guy? Why does he show up like he might be an important part of A New Beginning? Why is he randomly wandering the woods? If he didn’t die, perhaps there could be a spin-off of this film, where he and Ethel have a cooking show called Batshit Fucking Insanity.
Lana has done a terrible job cleaning the diner up. I’m not sure what I was expecting, though – this is the same girl who looks at herself in the mirror, calls herself hot, and flashes herself yelling, “Showtime!” She does have a nice rack, though.
Speaking of nice racks, Debisue Voorhees! Yowza.
“Have an enchilada!” Reggie’s brother is the epitome of cool. He lives in a trailer park in his van, he’s got a lazy girlfriend, and he’s got an unbelievable selection of fast food items at his disposal. His cool “Have an enchilada!” to Reggie is up there on the list of Things Awesome Brothers Say you can find on Uproxx.
This is how I walk to the shitter when I have enchiladas, too. You gotta be careful with that fast food, especially when you live in the Northeast like me. Sometimes, the outhouse isn’t just an easy walk away. Thank god he makes it.
This guy didn’t even get to have sex! Poor Jake – he gets laughed at, he stutters, and he gets shut down by Violet doing a robot dance.
I’ve gotta say, whatever she’s doing, she does it well. Tiffany Helm has got some moves.
Shoulda worn a bra today. Reggie’s a lucky kid for getting to see that, though.
A New Beginning: Wherein we learn throwing a chainsaw is not that effective. And a machete can easily deflect a chainsaw in a sparring contest.
Jason is no match for a tractor. Well, I guess he is, because he survives, but damn does he get thrown!
Hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of WTF: What the Friday. Stay tuned for even more this week, and share these around! It takes a lot of time to put together.