It’s really hard to put into pictures just how bad Jason X really is; it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it in full, so I left myself a daunting task making fun of it with just pictures and GIFs alone. Because it’s not really the actions of the characters that makes it so laughable, although that’s a big part of it – it’s really the delivery of the dialogue, the hammy acting, and the ridiculous ideas that the film proposes that make it one of the biggest stinkers of the Friday the 13th canon. I’m sure there are still people who like it, but at the same time, it turns Jason into a huge joke.
Let’s start with the jump through time. Jason X starts with a military base designed to hold Jason, hoping to cryogenically freeze him in stasis so that he can’t kill any more hapless victims. No other than David Cronenberg gets to play the part of the egotistical madman hellbent on making money on Jason; it’s weird that he would sign on for this cameo in the first place, but he does exude a smarmy aura that I can’t help but lap up. The freezing is a good idea, because as we’ve seen in previous Friday films, an incapacitated Jason is the most effective one.
Jason X allows for Jason’s odd appearance, too. He seems to regrow tissue and blood, making him an unkillable force. And yet, the film quickly shows that Jason’s face has not assumed a normal shape or form; it’s still the malformed grotesque thing it’s always been, immediately annihilating that explanation. From there, Jason X jumps 400 years into the future, and into space, dragging Jason along for the ride – unfortunate, Jason, I know, but at least Kane Hodder looks like he’s having some fun.
How about this shifty guy? This soldier is just plain weird; sure, I can see his paranoia – a killing machine is hanging just beyond him. But acting so creepy – and later, disrespectful – is a good way to get yourself on Jason’s shit list. That soon is the case after this dude puts a rag over Jason’s head – Jason doesn’t like to be reminded of his baghead days.
Apparently, gas masks didn’t look cool enough so the future changed their design. Now we’re stuck with these stupid monkey suits out of Planet of the Apes.
Guardians of the Galaxy does it better.
Can I tell you how much I hate Kay-Em’s hair? Bowl cuts were in in the ’90s, and apparently they made a comeback in 2455, because Kay-Em is rocking the perfect oval-shaped hair. And Lisa Ryder is a pretty lady, too, so how they pulled off this awful hairpiece is anyone’s guess. With detachable nipples, Kay-Em must be the perfect woman!
It’s always good to let a machete slice your arm off. Azrael is clearly not that smart, but when he lets a falling Jason slice his arm off, it’s the epitome of stupidity. Still, I think the physics of this event are the dumbest thing about it – that machete would have to be pretty heavy to slice cleanly through bone, unless all humans are made of synthetic rubber in the future.
Nope, Azrael’s hair doesn’t look good either. Pretty sure that, if you were to look through that mange, you’d find the bat that started the Ebola epidemic.
“I bet he’s hung like a mammoth.” So the crew of the Grendel doesn’t know what “hockey” is, but they know an extinct mammal from over 55 million years ago.
Jonathan Potts’ super hammy performance. The dude acts like he’s just excited to be on the set, which is nice I guess. But it’s also super, super forced, to the point where he really does seem like a psychotic man waiting to snap after he misses a couple Valium.
The writers love nipple play. Here again we have a nice scene where nipples are stimulated and pinched, until an orgasm from Professor Lowe produces a terrifying screech of “You passsssss!” More horrifying than that, though? Lowe likes to be called daddy.
Jason hears a moan and wakes faster than a member of One Million Moms. Jason X really plays up the moralistic side of Jason, to the point where it mocks the rest of the series; in this scene, Jason hears a solitary moan and basically does a spit-take, before, you know, slicing and dicing.
Here’s Jason X’s take on a BFG, and it looks like a Nerf gun. I must say that Jason X‘s weapon designs are all pretty shitty and unrealistic. Unfortunately, they all kind of look like styrofoam.
The ineptitude of the security force is amazing. A firing squad takes aim at Jason, shoots a million bullets, and then they figure out that Jason has disappeared. Where did he go in that dazzling display of firepower? Who knows – apparently he can now vanish into thin air as well.
Kay-Em and Tsunaron share a kiss, and the statistical probability of survival goes up! So does Tsunaron’s boner, but that’s besides the point.
“He just wants his machete back! Whoo!” It’s not really the stupidity of Lowe that I find funny, but Potts’ final exclamation of relief. The “whoo!” is a metaphor for his last breath, right? And it’s also about how much of an asshole Lowe is, right? So Jason X kind of is smart, right?
Overweight Mario kind of laughs at Lowe’s severed head. When he sees the head of Lowe, he’s kind of relieved. Relieved to see a dead man’s head! He gives a nervous chuckle, like this is something common that happens on the Grendel. “Sure, we play with severed heads all the time!”
Kinsa has a ridiculous breakdown, then kills herself. Yeah, Kinsa’s a useless character anyway, but in this scene she really does the worst thing possible: not only does she lock her friends out of the rescue shuttle, she also doesn’t know how to use it and blows it up in the process. All the while, she’s sobbing uncontrollably. It’s like a PSA about depression.
How about those acrobatics? Kay-Em is supposed to be a ridiculous character, straight out of an action movie after her better upgrade. But still – Lisa Ryder, you can and have done better.
Again, physics, I guess, don’t really mean anything in Jason X. This time, a vortex sucks Janessa through a grate into space, leaving only a pile of goop in her wake. And yet she does have time to utter one final phrase in the low pressure vacuum: “This sucks on so many levels!”
Lexa Doig’s “whoops” moment. There is no whoops for Lexa Doig. If there is, you’re going to get a finger wagging, or, in this case, whatever that glow stick tool thingy is that she’s using to “fix” the electronic door panel.
There are a whole lot more weird, stupid moments in Jason X, but they’re hard to document in pics and GIFs. You really just need to watch with friends, but even then, it’s kind of difficult to sit through the whole thing. Maybe next time I’ll do a commentary track for the film, and then we can really hit all the WTF moments!
Happy Friday the 13th, and I hope you’ve enjoyed these posts for WTF: What the Friday!